Thursday, October 11, 2012

I hope...

that we're off to a good start
that life will give me a reason to continue believing
that i will never give in to fear
that the depression phase is over
that food will not always be the answer
that i can be more patient
that i can start listening to what i tell other people
that i will no longer measure myself up against other people
that i can make time to do what i've been postponing
that i can still allow myself to cry
that i won't blame my misfortunes on others
that i can move on even if it means accepting what i do not want
that i can discern better what God wants for me

that hoping will never be too hard to do.
that dreaming will never be tiring.
that loving will always be the best answer.

that the new year will be kinder.


tweenkies_1106 at 3:01 PM


Friday, November 30, 2007


Last Thursday, I was trying to laugh out the fear out of my system. My mom was updating me, calling long-distance, about the walk-out of Oakwood mutineers and stand-off in the Manila Peninsula. And then it was taking too long. Outside, while it was raining and we were having our ice cream, we saw two truck loads of military men going to the hotel.

At around 3.30 p.m., my officemates were saying that we could and should be sent home early. At around 4 p.m., we all had a Business Continuity Plan meeting in our division. At past 4p.m., we heard gun shots. I started panicking.

I got home, walked through the rain in haste. People were rushing out of the office and Makati City. I was texting people non-stop. Three or four at a time. "How are you's" and "I'm ok's". I stopped by at the TV at our apartment lobby and watched how a tank rammed into the Manila Peninsula, the Christmas decorations slowly falling from the door frame. A shame.

I was completely apalled. Obviously, people from the inside, although they were military personnel themselves, were not really showing real physical threat. Why the need for gun shots? Or for tanks? Why the extreme show of military force for a mere 30 to 50 people inside the hotel, some of whom were civilians.

It was an exaggeration on the part of the government. There wasn't really any reason for that much destruction. It was like a message even for those who were mere onlookers--US. Never TRY the government. Never try to question. It was military power in secret.

So probably there was no declaration of martial rule, but in essence we are under the pain of military attack every time there's a slight attack to the current administration.

I am not for any hasty actions. Honestly, I am against what the government is doing. How they address every bit of challenge to their power. I am against their standoffish attitude. I hate the way they think they can never be questioned, that they are always right no matter how they too make drastic actions. They do not respect due process or proportionate response. In whatever way, the attack was not appropriate. Did the people inside fire guns? Did they pose physical threat? In reality, the people at the side of the government were the threat.

I pity the men who stood for their beliefs, no matter how drastic their actions were. The fight did not last long for them. I pity them because they have to give way in order to lessen the destruction. I pity them because they do not have any chance against the government's machinery.

What of honor? A walk-out from a court of justice. People staring blankly at the invitation to join the rally. A PNP officer laughed at after failing to enter the sieged hotel. A tank unceremoniously rammed against a premier hotel. A senator handcuffed and being pulled by his waistband. Curfew imposed on Metro Manila.

The drama of the Filipino people. Both laughable and frustrating. Again to become the topic of a series of jokes. Again to be the topic of world news. The real curfew on our lives has not been lifted. We are all still tied to our seats until this political farce is ended.


tweenkies_1106 at 10:32 PM


Friday, October 26, 2007

The horror: Arroyo pardons Erap

October 26, 2007
A waste of time

I was shocked when I passed by a newspaper stand this morning and read the bold headline: Arroyo pardons Estrada. Although a pardon was actually expected, from public-approval-seeking Arroyo, I was at least hoping it wouldn’t take this fast. Or easy. I only read the news article that Erap was seeking pardon at the start of the week.

What ploy are they playing on the Filipino people? It’s like lawyers fighting for the Filipino people were duped into playing the dirty game of politics for 6 long years only to have their victory overturned at the whim of a fickle President. I cannot believe that it would come easily. It’s as if justice, rule of law, forgiveness no longer has meaning for it to be discarded or given away so easily.

For some reason, I find that Arroyo’s move was more to save-face than to sincerely pardon a 70-year old convict. Honestly, it is a means for her to woo the mass and the opposition. For how can a President seeking to be legitimized in terms of her work and public opinion pardon someone she has supposedly legally taken the office from. If she does not at least seek admission of guilt, she is accepting that her legitimacy is questionable—for why take the office from someone who has been wronged and should have been able to complete his term. And how can an ex-President seek pardon from the very person who he does not recognize as President and who he continues to question and fight against? It’s a mockery of sense and logic!

Erap continually labels himself President, and so does his people, as seen in his letter to Arroyo. After the request was publicized, he came out saying he just bowed down to his lawyer’s wisdom, knowing that his chances of getting through with the judicial system is small. His very disrespect to the rule of law and due process, his lack of faith in justice, only proves that he just wants out. Nothing else.

In the letter, his lawyers said that in Erap’s desire to serve the greater good of the Filipinos (paraphrased), he is seeking pardon so that as a free citizen, he can better serve the country. Really. After cordoning off millions for himself, he continually sought favors as a former high official. I do not even think he truly grasped the gravity of his faults. He was, for most of his “incarceration”, held on house arrest in his sprawling Tanay property. His numerous requests are almost too easily approved. It’s frustrating. How can you jog into his ageing mind that he abused the country and should pay for it?

Arroyo’s apparent disregard, nay, disrespect for the rule of law is appalling, disgusting! It frustrates me to see how she can get away with things that are clearly just deceptive maneuvers. She has actually gotten so good at it that it’s frustrating to see how tired Filipinos has just gotten to shaking their heads in disbelief rather than fight against her. It’s tiring to see her blamed for so many things but not pay for it.

How can these people live with themselves? How can they truly believe in what they’re doing? they’ve been very selfish to think that getting away with things cannot affect a multitude of other people? How can they think that they’re doing these things FOR people when truly, they’re the only ones benefiting from it?

What do we get with a President who acts on whim and continually only does things to seek approval? What do we get from the pardon of a convict who has apparently no sense of regret or remorse? We continually live in the muck that these politicians have made out of the Philippines, why do we thrive in it? why do we pretend that things are ok? Why have we become too tired to fight? Have we lost all sense of national pride? right now, it’s so hard to love the Philippines when it can be represented by the so-called leaders of our country who can make a fool out of all of us by their fancy words and play-acting. Truly, the politics of the land has turned into one very long and excruciatingly shameful farce. How do we end it? is there still hope? or have we all been blinded by the muck that our very own complacency created? We are not helpless. We are not hopeless. We just don’t know we can make one more stand together to make things work. we’ve seen previous efforts fall, others have succeeded but now long forgotten. but we can still make another push, another effort to work against those that take us for fools. Please, let’s not give up.


tweenkies_1106 at 10:35 AM


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How to draw a dog.

It’s been a long time, actually. A friend of mine asked if I could draw some animals for her in different yoga poses, for a t-shirt design she’s been brewing for a while. Since she really didn’t give any deadline, I was taking my time and actually postponing having to do it.

I realized today, when I was trying to draw the animals that I don’t know how to draw animals! At all! I can’t even picture their important features right now! So I searched for some how-to’s over the internet and tried to do some doodling. I did a few poses and actually finished my sausage sketches of a dog, cat, monkey and frog!

Just right now, I got a vision of what a funny, cartoony dog in a bending yoga pose would look like and I tried to put it in paper. It’s a good start for my project, don’t you think? And a good enough sketch too, for the shirt design.


tweenkies_1106 at 9:35 PM


New Life Quest

September 25, 2007

I realized that I have to do something with my life if I want it to be worth while. I know I should have realized this a long time ago, while I was wasting precious time being bored and staring out into space.

So today, I am starting with a Life Quest. Some kind of personal project. A really inspired mission, I admit. Starting today, no matter how small, I will try to do something new. Taste new food, try something more difficult, learn about a country or culture, read up on something I wouldn’t have thought of before, make a new friend, make a first move, surprise myself, surprise someone else. Anything new, anything that would make me think, act, reach out, jog my brain or my usually lazy ass. And then, immortalize my ventures and write them down. I am truly excited!


tweenkies_1106 at 9:35 PM


Monday, September 24, 2007


It was May 5, I remember perfectly because, quite obviously, it was Cinco de Mayo festival in New York then. My friend and I were walking around waiting for another friend to come for a visit. It was a free day in New York for us tourers before our concert the next day. After visiting a Strands bookstore branch, we walked around and saw a street sale with different kinds of trinkets, apparently in celebration of Cinco de Mayo. In one kiosk was an all-Wicked merchandise. I’ve heard little about the play but was more than intrigued to get a copy of the original Broadway recording so we got a copy each and even had free pins to go with that! We had a quick Thai lunch just off another store and ate hurriedly.

That was my third brush with Wicked. The first was when I was in Pennsylvania visiting my cousin and her family. I learned that my niece was part of the Wicked cast in their school. Every now and then I’d hear bits and pieces about the story, that it was a prequel to the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, way before Dorothy came to the Emerald City. The second instance that piqued my interest was when a friend bought a book, the one that inspired the play. I heard snippets about the story, he was just starting to read.

So last year, buying the Wicked CD was like out of curiosity. I barely knew the song Defying Gravity. Unlike when I started to like Avenue Q, I’ve already heard reviews about the play and heard the whole soundtrack! I didn’t have time to listen to the Wicked CD all through out the tour and even weeks after we’re already back in Manila so when a friend borrowed it, I willingly gave it to him. More than a year has passed and it was only recently that I remembered to look for it and that it was finally given back. And now I’m mesmerized.

I’ve been listening to it over and over again, for the past days. A new found love. Maybe some day soon I’ll get to see it live too. I have falled in love with its music and lyrics! The humor, the stories of heartbreaks and triumphs and the underlying messages of friendship, loyalty, faith and love. I can’t believe I’ve let a year pass before I allowed myself to be immersed in their world. It’s such a beautiful musical.

I’ve recently come across YouTube videos, in around 15 parts, I think, featuring the original Broadway cast on stage. I’ve only started watching and am awaiting to be enthralled. The speaking parts can get a bit muddled, but it’s a visual extravaganza. I hope there’d come a time when I can personally experience watching it too. No loathing, unadulterated loathing for this one at all!

p.s. it just amazed me that in the original Broadway cast, Glinda (Kristin Chenoweth) was also the girl Maria in the Bewitched movie starring Nicole Kidman. She was too good for the movie! Seriously!


tweenkies_1106 at 8:33 PM


Breaking Down

Last Friday, I was at my worst. I guess only my sister knew what really happened or what brought me down again. A case of why them and why not me? Or what else is there for me to do? Even of do I not deserve better?

For some reason, I think I’ve been in this rut for the longest time ever and I can’t help but look for people or things to blame. I have been trying to do what I can do, I know I have tried to be more specific with what I have been praying and asking for. I know that for the past few I have been truly unhappy that I have tried to do as much as I can. But my resources are so limited that most of the time all I can do is wait. Mostly sulk and even drown in self-pity. And it gets tiring having to go through this vicious cycle of ok to rotten.

I am trying to figure out what life is telling me. Why it seems to bring me deeper into something I have clearly said I do not want. I have been trying to find what I truly love, but it has been elusive. Painfully elusive.

Waiting is the most often and most heartbreaking answer to one’s prayer. I don’t know if I can stand getting that answer again. And I don’t know, really, what I can do about it.

I am angry, yes. But most often, I am just frustrated. And tired. I do not want to give in just because I can no longer wait. I need to find a reason to believe that there is still hope. But where and how… I do not know. I am totally at a loss here.


tweenkies_1106 at 8:33 PM