Tuesday, November 21, 2006

a prayer this season. (being the good alterego)

when was the last time i was silent
when was the last time i spent time with my sister
when was the last time i sat down with a friend over dinner
when was the last time i listened...

christmastime.

i don't want to lose this season to festivities and color.
and to the often confusing decors of santa claus and elves.

may my christmastime be a quiet time of joyful peace with You Lord.
in the presence of those who truly matter to me.
Your presence in the world--my friends and family.

tweenkies_1106 at 7:21 PM

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Saturday, November 04, 2006

giving in to sadness

it gets a little frustrating... when you just have to accept that there's so much you cannot control. and when even in the process of doing something you love, you still get hurt.

maybe it gets a little too tiring for some of my friends, even my sister, to listen to me whine about my "technology woes", how i refuse to be consoled and how i always dampen hopes. it just happened that i've invested so much in what i am doing right now that it pains me to see that not everything's going well. that even though i feel like i'm "where i'm supposed to be", not everything's falling into place. it's depressing to not see that everything's working out. much like how things are "happening" to everyone else.

i end up asking if "is this it?" or doubt my capabilities. or ask why the world seems to disagree with me. i try to be as wholehearted as i can, pouring heart and soul into what i'm doing but something happens and i end up being hurt. deeply. like i'm being challenged. and i ask why i should be challenged... am i not "taking the big leap" with this? am i not testing my limits, stretching myself as it is? why the extra pain?

so... to my friends, my sister, my family whom i've somehow pulled down with me in my depression bouts... it's just me giving in to the sadness. a momentary lapse, just to pick myself up again. NO giving up. just allowing myself that temporary vulnerability. i know i can't have it all, i know i can't be all... i know that too much happiness can blur my senses into believing i can do it on my own. so i guess... just let me give in to this once in a while. i need it too...

tweenkies_1106 at 1:26 PM

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