Monday, September 24, 2007
Breaking Down
Last Friday, I was at my worst. I guess only my sister knew what really happened or what brought me down again. A case of why them and why not me? Or what else is there for me to do? Even of do I not deserve better?
For some reason, I think I’ve been in this rut for the longest time ever and I can’t help but look for people or things to blame. I have been trying to do what I can do, I know I have tried to be more specific with what I have been praying and asking for. I know that for the past few I have been truly unhappy that I have tried to do as much as I can. But my resources are so limited that most of the time all I can do is wait. Mostly sulk and even drown in self-pity. And it gets tiring having to go through this vicious cycle of ok to rotten.
I am trying to figure out what life is telling me. Why it seems to bring me deeper into something I have clearly said I do not want. I have been trying to find what I truly love, but it has been elusive. Painfully elusive.
Waiting is the most often and most heartbreaking answer to one’s prayer. I don’t know if I can stand getting that answer again. And I don’t know, really, what I can do about it.
I am angry, yes. But most often, I am just frustrated. And tired. I do not want to give in just because I can no longer wait. I need to find a reason to believe that there is still hope. But where and how… I do not know. I am totally at a loss here.
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 8:33 PM