Thursday, October 11, 2012
I hope...
that we're off to a good start
that life will give me a reason to continue believing
that i will never give in to fear
that the depression phase is over
that food will not always be the answer
that i can be more patient
that i can start listening to what i tell other people
that i will no longer measure myself up against other people
that i can make time to do what i've been postponing
that i can still allow myself to cry
that i won't blame my misfortunes on others
that i can move on even if it means accepting what i do not want
that i can discern better what God wants for me
that hoping will never be too hard to do.
that dreaming will never be tiring.
that loving will always be the best answer.
that the new year will be kinder.
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 3:01 PM
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
How to draw a dog.
It’s been a long time, actually. A friend of mine asked if I could draw some animals for her in different yoga poses, for a t-shirt design she’s been brewing for a while. Since she really didn’t give any deadline, I was taking my time and actually postponing having to do it.
I realized today, when I was trying to draw the animals that I don’t know how to draw animals! At all! I can’t even picture their important features right now! So I searched for some how-to’s over the internet and tried to do some doodling. I did a few poses and actually finished my sausage sketches of a dog, cat, monkey and frog! 
Just right now, I got a vision of what a funny, cartoony dog in a bending yoga pose would look like and I tried to put it in paper. It’s a good start for my project, don’t you think? And a good enough sketch too, for the shirt design.
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 9:35 PM
New Life Quest
September 25, 2007
I realized that I have to do something with my life if I want it to be worth while. I know I should have realized this a long time ago, while I was wasting precious time being bored and staring out into space.
So today, I am starting with a Life Quest. Some kind of personal project. A really inspired mission, I admit. Starting today, no matter how small, I will try to do something new. Taste new food, try something more difficult, learn about a country or culture, read up on something I wouldn’t have thought of before, make a new friend, make a first move, surprise myself, surprise someone else. Anything new, anything that would make me think, act, reach out, jog my brain or my usually lazy ass. And then, immortalize my ventures and write them down. I am truly excited!
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 9:35 PM
Monday, September 24, 2007
Breaking Down
Last Friday, I was at my worst. I guess only my sister knew what really happened or what brought me down again. A case of why them and why not me? Or what else is there for me to do? Even of do I not deserve better?
For some reason, I think I’ve been in this rut for the longest time ever and I can’t help but look for people or things to blame. I have been trying to do what I can do, I know I have tried to be more specific with what I have been praying and asking for. I know that for the past few I have been truly unhappy that I have tried to do as much as I can. But my resources are so limited that most of the time all I can do is wait. Mostly sulk and even drown in self-pity. And it gets tiring having to go through this vicious cycle of ok to rotten.
I am trying to figure out what life is telling me. Why it seems to bring me deeper into something I have clearly said I do not want. I have been trying to find what I truly love, but it has been elusive. Painfully elusive.
Waiting is the most often and most heartbreaking answer to one’s prayer. I don’t know if I can stand getting that answer again. And I don’t know, really, what I can do about it.
I am angry, yes. But most often, I am just frustrated. And tired. I do not want to give in just because I can no longer wait. I need to find a reason to believe that there is still hope. But where and how… I do not know. I am totally at a loss here.
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 8:33 PM
Ow! (and Yech!)
Last Saturday I had to face what I have been trying to postpone for the longest time… having my wisdom tooth extracted. Actually, it was more of a nuisance than out of fear. And also because that would mean spending money I could use somewhere else. My sister just had her tooth extracted too, some months or weeks ago. And she did say it was just a short ordeal. Nothing to worry about then, I said to myself. so after having my X-ray and having that examined, I scheduled for the surgery.
The “easy” part was all a sham. First off, the x-ray proved to be misleading. I guess partly because it was blurred which may have made the tooth appear “easily removable” when, exactly opposite, it was in the most difficult position for extraction. I had my arm tested with the anesthesia to see if I wasn’t allergic and after 15 minutes, I was cleared. We started around 2:30 in the afternoon, with only the bright afternoon sun as light in the room. So with my mouth half-numb, I opened up. Apparently for a 3-hour (not the expected 30 minutes) ordeal. Thrice they had to put anesthesia because I’ve started to feel pain in my gums. I was getting teary-eyed both from tiredness and frustration (God! Please let them pull the tooth out! I was silently shouting in my head.) Even the doctors were starting to give up. The tooth was coming out in pieces. It was already nearly 6 p.m. (I later learned) and the afternoon soon has begun its fast descent. When the doctor was ready to give up, one last push and out came the stubborn root. Thank goodness. The bits and pieces of my broken wisdom tooth, all bloody and wet, was on the dentist’s table. I didn’t want any remembrance of that day.
With still half of my mouth and tongue numb, I mumbled a dozen thank yous to my dentists. It was a looong day for all of us and I’m sure they’d be heading for a quick dinner and long sleep after that.
An hour and a half to go still before we reached home. Around 30 minutes into the rocky ride, the anesthesia has started to wear off. I was at the back of the van where I can feel all the bumps and swerves of the road but I was determined to stay as far away from the others. Alone with the throbbing pain of my gums. I realized that as soon as the anesthesia wore off, I can also feel the painful pricks of where the needle was stuck, close to my throat. So I can’t even swallow. I almost used up a whole role of tissue to wipe off saliva. The glands were overactive that night! I can now taste blood and Betadine. I can even feel the surgical thread with my tongue. The pain began to be unbearable, I can’t stop from crying. I even snapped at my sister because I had to shout what I was saying, which was hard for me to do.
Today, the swelling has gone down to a did-you-just-gain-weight-on-your-face or candy-in-mouth size. Which is actually bearable. But I still can’t open my jaw well and have to push it small bit of pasta in my mouth. Can’t chew as much, because my jaw gets tired easily too. I’m hoping for a full recovery by the end of the week, when I no longer have to take antibiotics and my dad finally gets to remove the surgical thread in my mouth. Yey!
I feel like a new person! And I’m not exaggerating. I say that only because I have never had to endure that much physical pain in my life, or at least I don’t remember anything worse than that. I’ll be trying to make that the last one.
P.S. right after the surgery, I also had my ears pierced, at last! Just one ear, because the piercing in my left ear is still good. I’m wearing kiddie hypo-allergening earrings of my birthstone—topaz—today!
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 8:31 PM
Monday, August 13, 2007
til when
early today, i woke up groggy but excited. a bit apprehensive but eager. i was on my way to take an exam for a potential new employer. i was hoping i could skip the exam part, but well, i should already get used to it. in a span of 6 months, i have already taken 3 exams, all for different reasons. i've had a dozen interviews. turned down 2 offers, been turned down by one, postponed another. then here's another one, another first step, another trial.
i've been trying to figure out my life for the past year. or maybe even the span of 6 years or so that i have been working--supposedly earning and living on my own.
life could be tougher, i know. but it could be sweeter too.
i remember when we take up those magazine quizzes, my friends always end up in the middle--not too adventurous not too boring. middle is safe, but safe can be bland.
til when...
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 11:31 PM
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
lately there's been a lot moving, changing, comings and goings. no, not only in my life but in lot of my friends' lives.
an officemate has bid adieu after only two years (or just almost?) in the bank. she moved to a night-shift kind of job in an american company, down the road from where we are. lucky? i would say yes for having been able to move out but no for taking the gruelling schedule.
two friends have lost loved ones, both to painful illnesses. unfortunately, i wasn't able to personally give them my hearfelt condolences. they're back in the loop, obviously shaken, but strong.
a friend got married last weekend and i was witness to their wonderful union. the wedding was intimate, despite the 200++ guests around, because i could see that these people were truly very close friends and relatives of the couple. when we arrived at the church, the bride was already there, with a big smile on her face, inside a very cool silver (do i remember right?) MiniCooper. a lovely day!
my friends and i moved up a few blocks from our old apartment to our new mid-rise condominium(so i recently learned). the moving was tedious and literally back-breaking. we are now (4 days later) slowly getting into the groove of things (our commute to work, time to wake up, getting used to the walks)and enjoying every bit of it.
there were a few low moments, yes, but change has always been my upper. maybe the move and the small changes around are appetizers to the bigger changes we've been waiting for so long.
we'll see.
Labels: personal
tweenkies_1106 at 7:46 PM