Saturday, August 12, 2006
Un-griping
I moment to gripe… NO MORE.
I know I’ve been doing that most of the time. But I guess it’s time to turn a new leaf. At least for a while, when I can, just so there’s not so much negativity surrounding me.
So I’m no longer griping… about the insufficiency in the country. The corruption in the government. the insensitivity of the people in power. The dependency of the powerless. The apparent and maybe the unintentional painful betrayal of friends. The pettiness of the youth. The boredom. The monotony. The lackluster life. The slow-moving life as against the fast-revolving world.
I’m no longer griping. J
I’m trying to refocus. Rechannel. Thinking zen. Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
tweenkies_1106 at 10:47 PM
I don't have a clue
I don’t understand how it can happen everytime. We try to stir clear of things we “hated” because we can’t believe other people did them, were stupid enough to think that something good would come out of it. but here we are again. the difference now is that one of us has become the “stupid” one to make the same “mistake”. It just confuses me how this could happen. When we talked about it before, it was like the stupidest thing that could ever happen. But now, for you, it turned out to be the most logical illogical choice ever. So me being me, without changing what I believe in, without retracting my points of view… but becoming the minority amidst the majority of those who’ve decided that the “mistakes” we see from the outside are actually “quite right” as involved parties… me being me, am I the stupid one now?
I had this talk with my sister. I was trying in vain to see through the current events of our lives. It’s like the past replaying itself in my present. I’ve never been one to confront people, so most of the time the feelings are just lodged inside of me. it’s an overwhelming combination of disappointment, disillusionment, sadness, betrayal…. Feelings that I’ve tried to heal from when I had “episodes” with friends in my past. I’ve been so used to just shunning people out of my life. It was hard because I had to go through cycles of pain, anger and sadness. But it has become an easy “solution” to getting away from people who just seem too different.
I’ve always tried to make good relationships. Do much for the beloved friend. Sacrifice a few personal time for a friend in need. I know I was loved in return. We had a few good laughs, some very intimate sharing, a lot of quality time. But what constitutes the end of a relationship? I do not want to always have to close my heart to people who disappoint me. I know I am no authority—especially when it comes to “things” I may see black and white but only because I’ve always been just an outsider.
But it’s a painful thing to see that I have to stretch myself to embrace the ever-changing people in my circle even if I remain constant. I become the odd one out because I stay the same me. and yet people expect me to be the one to adjust, the one to “understand”, BECAUSE I “do not know” what they are going through.
Since they know what’s happening, and apparently I DON’T (on whose terms?), why can’t they adjust? Why can’t they explain to me? instead of just expecting that things are just ok and “as is” when actually nothing’s the same anymore. 08/10/06
tweenkies_1106 at 10:44 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The story of my life... (??)
It’s weird that I actually try to push you away from my mind. Because I know it’s silly. It’s always silly.
It was a bit easier before when I only had memories of you. It was easy for me to declare to myself one day that it’s over, I’m over you. It was easy for me to say you don’t have any effect on me anymore.
And then here you are again. Messing with my already, supposedly, made up mind. I was already doing fine, corresponding from a distance. Fine with just cyberspace between us. It was personal and yet not intimate. I was fine with keeping our relationship at a safe distance from hoping.
Ah… but the face. The face on the being. Makes it more real. And more difficult to turn away from. I really have a very big problem. With myself. tendency to fall. To hope and fall, endlessly looking up while falling. Knowing I’m the only one who jumped and you’re left up there, probably with someone else.
Oh well. The story of life. 08/04/06
tweenkies_1106 at 6:12 PM
The little I know about friendship...
The little I know about friendship:
It’s not about saying the same things. It’s disagreeing, even about everything, but learning to listen and accept differences as uniqueness. And that to listen, not just hear, especially when we admit (and we have to admit first!) we are being bullheaded.
It’s not about always being together. There may be a distance of one room or several oceans, and yet still feeling the closeness hasn’t changed.
It’s not always about sharing but also about separating. WE don’t lose ourselves by being in a relationship with another. We have our own needs to fulfill and in order to share, we have to have something to share first.
It’s about history. To have gone through many things together or apart and shared stories, involving the other in one’s life. Being part of another’s experiences even if it doesn’t physically involve you.
It’s about respecting that history. Knowing the depth of a relationship and how, even if it becomes obscure beside a new found love or career, it is that history that held you up to this moment to your new experiences.
It’s about remembering promises and keeping them. From “I’ll keep in touch” to the “I won’t betray you”.
It’s about talking and listening. But more of the latter.
It’s about silence. Companionship. When it doesn’t have to be noisy to be fun. Presence is enough.
It’s both about pettiness and seriousness. About joys and tears. Triumphs and trials. Dreams, wishes and risks.
Friendship is a whole lot of things between strangers becoming comrades. Not knowing why and when but happy that that it happened. It’s a whole lot in between but always based on trust. Always based on love.
tweenkies_1106 at 6:09 PM
Promises schromises
We’ve talked about it, haven’t we? We agreed, and laughed on cue because we always think alike. We giggled at “what if” questions and answered as if the world depended on us. We laughed at the absurd images our questions conjured and at the impossible situations we created. The answers were different but the underlying facts were the same. We think alike. We agreed and made promises.
The circumstances then may have been light chit-chatting. But those light moments tend to be the honest ones. We open up, we let ourselves known to others. That’s when we learn about who this other person is. That’s when we let our guards down and lay out our cards. That’s when we either accept the other or realize that we are too different to become more than mere acquaintances.
During those light, honest moments, we talked about a lot of things. What we want, what would our choices be given certain situations. It sounded like we were firm on our choices then. I knew that when I shared my thoughts those were not just spur of the moment answers. It’s always clear cut from where I’m standing. And I know that when it comes to the time that these will be put to test, I will hold true to my word. I was hoping it was the same with the people around me.
It wasn’t a written contract but an understanding between friends. Supposedly a stronger bondage than whatever treaty there is between parties. It was an agreement based on trust and honesty, committing to something we know could either make or break a relationship when the time comes for choices.
It was clear cut. Up to now, it’s clear cut to me. But things are slowly changing. It’s a matter of many things important now for one fundamental thing—trust. Circumstances change and we know that the person who made that promise before is no longer the very same person faced with choices right now. And yet, who would make a promise to a friend without expecting to keep it? There’s no one word that can mend a broken promise. Not even a thousand words repeated over and over. No matter how small that promise may seem now juxtaposed to the bigger things happening in our lives. The fact is, it was made. And some if not all of those who were there making the promise were sincere about it. So the fact that answers easily change for some hurts a lot for those who’ve engraved it in stone not to break their share in the promise. It hurts that although we’re not bound to break our promise, we’re the ones who have to adjust and understand.
Friends remember. Things change. People come and go. Priorities may appear different now than before. But the fact that a promise was made remains.
I remember. Do you?
07/28/06
tweenkies_1106 at 6:09 PM
If something means this, then I'm happy with nothing.
I know nothing about what’s going on. I would not pretend I do. But since it’s all still black and white to me, I try to say my piece.
I’d probably get the expected slap on the face retort—“You don’t know anything.” And I concede, I really don’t know anything about this. Probably will never do. So nothing’s changed with me, but something changed with you.
Whatever I said in the past as part of the building blocks of our friendship still holds true. Because nothing changed with me.
Now, if everytime things change, we change our minds and the rules, I have no idea where we’ll be headed. I have no idea if there’s ever going to be an end to what we want or need or demand or expect. Nothing at all.
So if I know nothing at least I can hold true to the promises I made based on the nothing that I am beside the now-something that you are. Don’t blame me for not changing. I’m not blaming you. But don’t expect me to be happy about it. 07/28/06
tweenkies_1106 at 6:08 PM
Get a move on!!!
I say it’s time to move on. To close the book of trilogy and move to a spinoff of just one character. To say good bye to Friends and move on to Joey. To leave New York and move to LA. To break out from the boy band and go solo. It’s time to move on.
Why?
It could be as simple as—because this is the time. You just know that it is. There’s no explaining, no questioning. You just know and you have to follow what it tells you to do.
It could be that things are changing around you and you’re just not ready to be part of that change.
It could be that the changes in my life are not completely in sync with the rest of the world. The changes I’ve welcomed are completely different from what’s happening to other people’s lives. And I can’t appear concerned with what the rest of them are going through when I have my own concerns to deal with. It’s not being selfish. It’s just that I can’t be big enough to try to understand, give time, and be emotionally involved in what others are experiencing. It is selfish. Because right now, I just couldn’t care enough to listen.
It could be as simple as space. With so much going on, the only time for rest and peace and quiet is very important. And to have to delay that when it shouldn’t be is absolutely… annoying. Respect for sanctuary—it’s a universal understanding.
tweenkies_1106 at 6:07 PM
Questions to the Nation Address
It’s embarrassing. Humiliating. No, not to the foreigners whom we’ve asked our citizens to hitch a ride with. Not the foreign bodies who promised to charter planes for our own citizens. But to our OWN citizens, the OFWs we failed to protect and provide for when it was their turn to ask help from us.
It’s old news—our country survives on the millions remitted by these overseas workers who toil night and day abroad. It’s old news but the meaning never diminishes. The OFWs sacrificed the comfort of their homes and the warmth of love with their families to live in strange places and even stranger employees. They were feeding babies not of their own instead of watch their own children grow up. They were taking care of other people’s elderly instead of their own aging parents. They braved the unknown to feed their families and in the process feed the Philippine economy as well. We called them heroes but they didn’t get that treatment when they wanted to return home.
Where are the millions they’ve remitted to the Philippines?
GMA, the lady in Malacañang, said WE NOW HAVE THE MONEY in her address to the nation. She received thundering applause. She repeated that over and over. Over and over until even I almost started believing her. It was hypnotic. But why is it that we DO NOT HAVE enough money to save our own citizens at the brink of death? Our own citizens who are probably major sources of the FUNDS the government’s been siphoning into projects that can bear their (the government’s) name?
How can we tell our OFWs to hitch a ride while announcing plans to create roads to connect islands? We can’t even bring our own citizens home! How can we tell them to pack and go when there’s no one to bring them home? How can we always expect other countries to help out (but thank God for those who continue to heed our cries!) when we can’t help ourselves? How can you, GMA, say we have funds for so many other things when Filipinos out there are waiting to be rescued? Life above all. Please.
It’s true what Conrado de Quiroz observed. Other countries that don’t depend on their remittances didn’t have second thoughts to send chartered planes or ships to get their citizens out of harm’s way. They did that out of the sole reason that these people are their citizens. Citizens who might be out there as expats or even as tourists. We, on the other hand, owe MUCH to our own citizens in the Middle East. They flew out of a country that can’t provide for them and in the end saved that same country through their sweat and tears. We owe much to our citizens and with what do we show our gratitude? A measly amount out of the billions they remit yearly. We need to see that this country can truly be called home. A safe refuge. The reliable one-phone-call of a friend in need.
It’s pathetic really. We kid ourselves by believing that we’re faring well. We can’t be bombarded by graphic figures and tables because we only understand the tangible and the sensible. We only know we are OK when we feel OK. If we can’t work out the knots of our immediate needs, how can we completely believe that we can push through with the long-term? It is good that we look ahead but not while overlooking what needs to be addressed NOW. We don’t need eloquence, we need action.
We’re being bombarded with untruths by someone who can’t play by the rules. We’re being made to believe we’re great by someone who stooped low and cheated. We are a great nation, a great people! But not by the standards of those who’ve tarnished our country with greed and pride. How can we, great Filipinos that we are, let ourselves be treated this way? How can we stand this humiliation? We’re not hitchhikers or free riders. We’re not leeches. My gosh… we’re not fools. 07/27/06
tweenkies_1106 at 6:05 PM