Saturday, August 12, 2006
I don't have a clue
I don’t understand how it can happen everytime. We try to stir clear of things we “hated” because we can’t believe other people did them, were stupid enough to think that something good would come out of it. but here we are again. the difference now is that one of us has become the “stupid” one to make the same “mistake”. It just confuses me how this could happen. When we talked about it before, it was like the stupidest thing that could ever happen. But now, for you, it turned out to be the most logical illogical choice ever. So me being me, without changing what I believe in, without retracting my points of view… but becoming the minority amidst the majority of those who’ve decided that the “mistakes” we see from the outside are actually “quite right” as involved parties… me being me, am I the stupid one now?
I had this talk with my sister. I was trying in vain to see through the current events of our lives. It’s like the past replaying itself in my present. I’ve never been one to confront people, so most of the time the feelings are just lodged inside of me. it’s an overwhelming combination of disappointment, disillusionment, sadness, betrayal…. Feelings that I’ve tried to heal from when I had “episodes” with friends in my past. I’ve been so used to just shunning people out of my life. It was hard because I had to go through cycles of pain, anger and sadness. But it has become an easy “solution” to getting away from people who just seem too different.
I’ve always tried to make good relationships. Do much for the beloved friend. Sacrifice a few personal time for a friend in need. I know I was loved in return. We had a few good laughs, some very intimate sharing, a lot of quality time. But what constitutes the end of a relationship? I do not want to always have to close my heart to people who disappoint me. I know I am no authority—especially when it comes to “things” I may see black and white but only because I’ve always been just an outsider.
But it’s a painful thing to see that I have to stretch myself to embrace the ever-changing people in my circle even if I remain constant. I become the odd one out because I stay the same me. and yet people expect me to be the one to adjust, the one to “understand”, BECAUSE I “do not know” what they are going through.
Since they know what’s happening, and apparently I DON’T (on whose terms?), why can’t they adjust? Why can’t they explain to me? instead of just expecting that things are just ok and “as is” when actually nothing’s the same anymore. 08/10/06
tweenkies_1106 at 10:44 PM