Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I want them to say they go through it too
Had a loooong chat with my sister and friend last Friday about our (non-existent) love life. We had so many questions. Although we were saying “exactly!” dozens of times during the night, we were not close to answering any of these questions. We were merely amazed at how we’ve all been thinking the same things as to the why’s and how’s of our love lives. It was a heavy night—humid and painfully distressing. We were confirming to each other how pathetic our wanderings and wonderings have been. How sometimes our questions have led to insecurities, questioning our own self worth.
We’re doing pretty well, mind you. We’ve had our own tastes on the good life—travelling, gadgets, we knew our fads and we’ve taken our pick on what to follow, jobs (may not have been ideal but we’re blessed still to have them), careers, professions (different things, I believe). But what of this lack in romantic relationships have led us to thinking that we’re deficient? Or that there’s something wrong?
I don’t think it would be a matter of ego to say that we’ve fared better than others. It is a matter of fact. But I don’t think there’s really any guessing as to why things are working differently for us. Why some of our friends have had boyfriends since gradeschool (ok, highschool). Why some can change relationships in a blink of an eye. Why some can stay in a bad relationship, cry over it, and end up in a similar situation after. Why some are fortunate to be already married, with kids.
But what has success have to do with love? Having a job, being a professional, having an advocacy? If these can bring me circles of people I can meet and where I can find my one true love, then maybe there is a connection, but a very thin line at that. I can not and would never really try to understand this thing called love. Love that we’re both eager and afraid to have. What of it can make me feel wanted and at the same time rejected? What of it makes me want to embrace life and shun the rest of the world?
I only want to hear them, single MEN, say that they’re going through this too. I don’t think it’s fair that single women have a monopoly on this overthinking of love. We’ve allowed ourselves space to distress over these thoughts… I was just wondering, do they do that too?
tweenkies_1106 at 4:56 PM
Monday, April 23, 2007
In a good place
Last weekend, we just stayed in. we slept through most of Saturday and Sunday. We just watched videos, ate delivered food, did some errands. It was a peaceful weekend.
For the past 9 or so months I’ve become so used to being so busy. Every evening, I was either busy with my digital arts class assignments or practices with my choir. When I had free days, I would usually spend it catching up on my readings—books I’ve bought months early but have failed to pick up. I slept through lunch hours and jeepney rides. I was too exhausted and always in a hurry.
I’m not complaining. No. far from that, actually. Those past months were my happiest. I know I’ve come a long way from being just the dreamer I was before things started picking up. I’ve come to terms with what I want to do and become.
But I’m thankful too that after having finished classes last February and finally passing my last requirements last week, I’ve freed up 3 weeknights to enjoy the things I’ve missed. Time with my sister and friends, reading a good book (I’m reading the Harry Potter books again!), listening to good music, fixing piles of files that have accumulated for months of busyness. I finally have time to clean up and prepare for the next steps I would have to take. So far though, I’m trying to just enjoy the slow time, when I don’t have to sleep late or rush work.
I’m in a good place right now. With myself and with people around me. I’m enjoying this ME time. I still have my fears, insecurities, but it’s all right. it’s all right. I’m putting my records on now.
(Corinne Bailey Rae, Put Your Records On)
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.
Maybe sometimes,
we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seems to change,
The more stay the same.
Oh, don't you hesitate.
Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Blue as the sky, sombre and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the road side,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Gotta love that awful hairdo.
Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid,
but it's alright
The more you stay the same,
the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?
Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
Just more than I could take,
pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake,
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise,
that you don't even have to try any longer.
Do what you want to.
Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Girl, put your records on,
tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans,
I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Oh, You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.
tweenkies_1106 at 11:52 AM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
JASON MRAZ wisdom
Beauty in Ugly (OST: Ugly Betty)
She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world
But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind
And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
See the beauty in ugly
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
tweenkies_1106 at 3:28 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
starting over
i am waiting for that time when i can look back and say i can close a chapter in my life with peace in my heart and start over.
the past few years have been wonderful. i've been blessed with experiences i know have taught me a lot about patience, relationships, fear and conquering fear, anger and overcoming anger. i am ready to move on.
i don't think i should be complaining, as i've often done. looking back, i had a good 6 years of post-college life. i've met lots of people i've learned to love and cherish from different circles i've been able to join. my life, compared to a few friends, would not be exactly one you'd call exciting but i guess i'm ok. I AM OK. i think i've overlooked the fact that i have had so many blessings and i've been preoccupied with what i'm not compared to others that i've missed the whole point of enjoying what i have.
i am ready to move on though. i am trying to open my self up to bigger things. i think i'm ready. i wish the world can see that too.
to take a chance on me. as i am ready to take a chance on the world.
tweenkies_1106 at 4:08 PM